Today I flew from Philly to Madison, Wisconsin and I noticed some things on the flight that I feel like we need to discuss. First of all, I was flying Frontier and my ticket cost less than $50 bucks, so I was not expecting much. With Frontier you’re literally just paying for a place to put your butt, and literally anything else imaginable is extra. This is what I expected and exactly what was delivered, so I have no problems with the airline. My problems stem from my fellow passengers on this flight.
I don’t know what it is about me, or what weird enjoyment the universe gets from it, but whenever I fly alone I ALWAYS end up sitting next to people on planes who like to chat. During study abroad, I missed a 4:30pm flight in Dublin, had to stay up all night at the airport, finally caught a 6:30pm flight, and the guy next to me noticed the cross I was wearing and tried to start a deep, philosophical, religious discussion/debate. SIR. It is 6:30 in the morning, no one wants to have or hear a religious debate right now.
Today, there was a guy who looked about my age stationed next to me. We started off on the wrong foot because he was late to board, so I had my heart set on sliding over to his unoccupied window seat. Nope, he was literally the very last person to board. After sitting down he stuck his hand out to introduce himself, which seemed very unnecessary. Just a polite smile would have sufficed really. I could tell he was gonna be a talker so I quickly put headphones in, in the hopes of discouraging any conversation. John-from-Milwaukee did not get the hint.
The moment I took my headphones off, whether to read a book, to untangle the cord, or even just because one ear bud fell off, John was ready with some new tidbit of small talk. It’s like he was staking out a moment of weakness to try and force me to be pleasant. I realize that this is not really that awful of a thing, and maybe other people might have enjoyed having someone to talk to. Mum is a pro at making friends on planes, and is always having full conversations with the people around her. John had other sins, too.
After making the whole row stand up to let him in because he was late, as soon as we were done taking off he decided he had to go to the bathroom. The seat belt sign was literally still on and we were those people that they had to make a special announcement for telling us to remain seated. As Gram would say, oofa! After he returned from the bathroom, I thought maybe our troubles were behind us. Lo and behold, John settled into his seat and chose a position with the worst manspreading I have ever seen. I probably could have sat in between his legs without touching either one, that’s how far they were spread out. And he hogged both armrests, even when I managed to squeeze onto one he just put his arm right on top of mine. That’s not how that works.
To be fair, John–from-Milwaukee is probably a really nice guy who was just trying to be polite and friendly. It seemed like he almost missed the flight, so he probably didn’t have time to stop at the bathroom before boarding. John, if for whatever unbelievable reason you are reading this right now, I’m sorry sitting next to you wasn’t really that bad, I just need to milk it for comedic effect.
The manspreading is real though dude, you gotta work on that. You just gotta.